the dreaming pool

I don't know why I'm doing it.
Well okay, I know some of why, but none of it makes much sense. Being a laid off person I should, according to all social convention, be busily looking for work, saving all my funds, and generally, be a very practical person. What I am doing however, is anything but practical.

I've been told practical doesn't serve us very well however. And ultimately, I have to agree. Life is NOT practical at all.

I came out to the West Coast to heal, to grow, to learn. I came, because it was an opportunity I knew I may never see again to do the personal work I wanted, and needed, to do. I didn't expect to stay but for a couple of months, which in and of itself seemed quite extraordinary. I came while I got my stuff together to go back to school. I was going to retrain for other work, which all in all seemed quite practical. Again, I was being very sensible really.

As I went along and did my work however, I realized, that I really didn't want to go back to school for what I had planned for. I didn't really want to do the expected thing. I wanted more adventure. I wanted more healing. I wanted more growth.

So the idea began to germinate that, really, if I wanted to, I could do ANYTHING. I didn't have to be stuck with what I thought was the “right” thing to do. I didn't have to go back. I could stay. Why not? I could keep up with the work I'm doing, I could write, really write. I could finally commit to that book I've been threatening to write for some time now. The idea had a lot of strength to it. And even though it makes no sense, and I have no job or apartment, and it requires a long cross country drive and money I don't have to spend, well, I've decided to do it all ANYWAY.

So here I go. I am embarking on a strange, faith filled journey. I'm excited and totally terrified. I have a feeling however this is exactly what I need to do. I have a feeling I need to do this adventure. I need to do what I need to do for myself, regardless of the naysayers (of which I'm sure there will be a few). I need to live my own dreams now. I need to take the risks and be the ultimate Fool.

So here's to the journey ahead; a long cross Canada drive, through Prairies and Mountains, and finally, to the ocean on the West. Where I end up in the end I have no idea, but right now, it's more about the journey than anything else.

West Coast here I come, and to my old life, I bid it a fond farewell. Although I was not happy, it did bring me here, and I have found myself here, I have met myself at last. I have to say the person I'm meeting enjoys the adventure, and embraces the new vistas yet to come. I want to know this person more, she's a cool chic, and I hope to love her and embrace her completely.

Hello Road, here I come.

I realize I have not posted for a long time. There I go, starting something new saying I'm going to be a posting maniac and then go and not do much. However, I've been very busy and consumed with a healing journey that has me far away, and not involved much with the computer at all.  And, I'm grateful for this actually.  I'm out in nature a lot more than I am inside, and even when inside I'm usually not on the computer.   It's good to be reminded that there are other, far more meaningful things in the world, than laptops and the internet.

So, it may be awhile before I post anything of great meaning.  Self healing journeys and work tend to be quite personal, and, no offense, I'm not sure I want to post such personal information and sacred information here for all eyes to potentially see. Not to mention the ceremonies and work are, well, not for public consumption.

What is for sure however is that at the end of this two month process I surely will be a different person than I was going in.  It's both a wonderful and slightly scary proposition.  Who am I if I'm not THIS person I know right now? Who am I without all my bullshit and defences? Who is anyone? It's entirely new territory, and I find myself at the edge of a cliff, some sort of wings fastened about me, and slightly unsure if I'm able to fly. The only clear thing is, I DO have to take that leap.

I'm sure I'll be back posting again, but for now, while I do this work, I wouldn't expect too much.

I got far more important things to do than type in a word editor,
I have my whole life to dream and bring forth into the world.

Just a breif note, as I sit in the Vancouver airport, awaiting my connecting flight to Nanaimo. 
As the plane flew in over and eventually beside the great Rockies, I was in awe.  I felt like I was 11 years old all over again; back when I first saw those beautiful mountains, as my parents drove to Jasper, Alberta.  I marvelled at how people not only did not look at the beauty that surrounded us, but in fact seemed quite blase about it, and uncaring. 

I know that some have seen it before, but even so, how can one not marvel at this gorgeous landscape? I think that if I lived here, I would awake each morning, and catch my breath each time I looked out onto the mountains and the ocean once more.

It's gorgeous here, and I feel absolutely certain, here is where I must be right now.

I follow quite a few people on Twitter.  Some of them are quite creative (writers mostly), some interesting, some very sarcastic folks (they make me laugh anyway), some with similar interests.  I follow because it's an interesting daily peek into the thoughts or moments of lives, in 140 characters or less.  Okay, so a very very tiny peek.

Today in Twitterville it seems to be all about being positive.  I advocate the whole positive thing, truly.  Sometimes though it does get carried away.  One famous person drones on about "Success is my life!" and the minions chime in about how positive THEY are, and soon it is one big insincere positivity fest - which mainly serves the ego of the original stater of the comment and makes the minions feel special for about a minute because they said something to agree with (kiss ass with) the superstar positive role model guy or gal.

This has me wanting to advocate the validity of failure, grumpiness and an all around bad day.  Why do I want to do this? Whether you want to know or not, I'm going to tell you.  It's because everyone has a god/goddess given right to fail.  In fact, I'd argue you wouldn't even know what success was unless you had experienced failure first. Living one's life to ONLY succeed is actually quite limiting if you think about it. What are you going to learn from that? Also, we are all grumpy from time to time.  We all have sucky days. We all have times we want to hang our heads and wallow in woe.  I think that's okay actually, because, again, how would we know what a good time was, or a positive thing was, or even a great DAY was, unless the sucky ones were inbetween reminding us of what we all strive for?

So let's not jump on the "be ONLY positive 100% of the time and never fail!" parade too quickly.  I know, it's not a popular opinion - but perhaps instead of thinking you HAVE to be a certain way less you not conform to the new norm, think instead of everything it is to be FULLY human in the world.  Whether you like it or not, the "bad", icky, failure ridden, head up your own ass and can't see straight experiences, are part of life too.

So embrace them - make them your friend, buy them a drink.  Without them you wouldn't know how good you really got it.

Ah spring and all it's , well, springiness.
I was driving a friend home today and he said "a most excellent day for couples walking about..".. and I thought "yes, yes it is, too bad I'm not coupled.".  Spring always brings out the "coupling" instinct in ALL animals doesn't it? Proof positive we are no different than any bird or bee.

Of course with human coupling there is intellect and head games always getting in the way.  To be honest I don't want to really be in a couple, but I wouldn't mind some really good sex once in a while.  I know, bad feminist me.  Slap my hand.  I'm not good at the romance and coupling/relationship thing, and I'm not sure I want to get good at it either.  Of course who knows, maybe some man will swoop in and sweep me off my feet -
but I doubt it.

I could of course join a dating site.  I have done this before.  However it involves awkward bios that don't really tell anyone about who you are. You post your best picture possible to impress, which really isn't you on the average day.  You meet up with someone and it's all strange and completely awkward.  Most likely, you go home completely dissatisfied and wondering why you went out and tried the dating thing in the first place.

I think I'd just like to meet someone naturally, hit it off, have great chemistry, hang out, have sex, be friends, and enjoy the company.  This doens't seem to be as easy and flowing a task as it sounds however.

No, I don't know exactly what I'm writing about,
I guess it's Spring, and the same spring air that is making everyone flirtatious and sexual is doing the same to me.  Talk of couples walking in spring air made me pine for a, well, coupling situation.

I think a cold shower is in order.  And perhaps a nice gory horror movie, something very un-springlike and un-coupling like.  I don't need the distraction.